


Dick, Dick, Goose

by akgerhardt



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Aphrodisiacs, Cuddles, Eggpreg/Egg laying, Feeding/Swallowing, Fluffy Gay Furry Shit, Incubation, Kink Grab Bag: Oviposition, Knotting, M/M, Magic, Massages, Mild Cum Inflation, Multiple/Consecutive Orgasms, Overstimulation, PWP/Crack Taken Seriously, Shapeshifting, Stomach Bulge, Wings, Xeno, petting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-24
Updated: 2019-02-26
Packaged: 2019-10-15 09:55:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,227
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17526545
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/akgerhardt/pseuds/akgerhardt
Summary: It started out with a crumb.





	1. Chapter 1

Never had dropping out of college been such a monumental decision.

Dirk sits on the pier of the Canadian lake cottage he's renting. He read online that immersing oneself in nature and solitude improves overall health, and he needed a fucking break after that whammy of a semester. No one else seems to come here, so it was dirt cheap. It’s peaceful, he thinks, unwrapping his sandwich.

There's a rustling sound in the distance. He whips around, but the source is already gone. He doesn’t have to worry about where it went, because it's followed by a loud splash. He pulls his feet out of the water and glances down at the dark depths. A man's head surfaces, staring at his sandwich.

“Crumb?” he quacks, swimming closer.

      “Crumb,” Dirk repeats, dumbfounded.

“Crumb, please?”

      “Uh. Sure.”

He's right up against the edge of the pier now, and Dirk can see his facial features. Thick, eyeliner-like markings striped along the sides of his head and covering his long nose. Feathery hair, bits of lake weeds tangled amongst the tufts. Actual feathers scattered like scales, grouping towards his shoulders and the back of his neck. He hoists himself halfway up onto the pier with his black, webbed hands, flapping his ginormous, water-repellant wings excitedly and shaking the drips off of his body, all over Dirk.

“Please!”

      “Right.”

He folds his arms, tilting his head impatiently. He tears off a piece of the crust, and the creature goes for the opposite hand, snatching the sandwich with his mouth and then jumping back in the water.

      “... That wasn’t the crumb, dammit.”

He wets it and munches happily, out of reach.

      “I'm Dirk. Wanna fuck?”

He waits until he finishes to speak.

“Mating sounds appealing, yes.”

Dirk is enough of a furry to realize that this is a golden opportunity.

“Are you going to eat that?” he murmurs in his incredibly sexy, low goose voice. Dirk offers the crumb, and is rewarded with the gentle caress of his small, sharp teeth and the flicking of his sandpaper tongue as he claims it. The moment is brief and followed by him dunking his mouth underwater.

“Mm. This is so bad for me.”

      “Really?"

“Processed foods make wildlife sick, but my anthropomorphic nature makes resistance nigh impossible.”

      “Well, I can provide healthy food and shelter and ward off danger. That’s what you want in a mate, right?”

“Hmm, very persuasive. All that's left is a good song.”

He starts rapping about bread like his life depends on it. The creature chortles.

“Boy howdy, I'm sold!”

Dirk hoses him down outside with copious amounts of soap, despite his protest. His feathers fluff up to dry themselves, and Dirk manages to towel off the rest between wet dog shakes. Once he’s let in, he immediately starts to build a nest of pillows and blankets atop the bed.

“Shall we preen one another?”

      “Ok.”

He brushes his hair and pets his incredibly soft wings, which are larger than the bed when just partially unfolded. His fluffy happy trail encases whatever he’s sporting, and his tail feathers provide perfect censorship. Dirk’s admittedly disappointed, but this lovey-dovey affection is soothing and sweet. He’s nodding off to the fingers scritching his scalp and playing with his hair when the man finally speaks.

“... You know, we could mate now, if you fancy.”

      “Hell yes. Also, do you have a name?”

“I am the guardian of fauna!” he chirps, nuzzling the crook of his neck. “I take many forms and defy biology. My mere existence is an insult to science.”

      “Do I have to call you that every time? You look like a Jake.”

“Jake is fine. Now, tell me, Dirk: Have you ever had a two-foot-long doodle up your banoodle?”

      “No, but I want to.”

“Splendid! And would you like to get a whole bunch of regular goslings out of this? You don’t have to raise them, of course; the ecosystem here is just a bit low on waterfowl.”

      “Yeah, sure. They're cute.”

“That’s the spirit! Here's what's I'm thinking: I'll deposit the beginnings of a clutch along with magic ejaculate, and you can let them grow in you until they're ready.”

      “You want to put eggs up my ass? I have… the more ideal place. If you wanted a human kid, you'd be out of luck because I’m not contributing to overpopulation or fucking up my health. Eggs are hot, though.”

“Not to worry. That sounds like a capital plan, and, if you should change your mind at any point, I can use my powers to undo it all! You're in good hands- or, should I say wings?”

He chuckles, still stroking said wings.

      “Can you fly with these?”

“I could, but it would be quite the spectacle! I opt to shapeshift fully for that.”

      “So, you're like a goddamn Animorph.”

“Pardon?”

      “Nevermind.”

“The only thing I can’t shift into is a bonafide human- probably because I'd be tempted to abandon my responsibilities. However, I do not condone the abuse that is beastiality. You won't find me having intercourse with my charges, but not for a lack of effort on their part! I've had to memorize the dates of all cycles so that I'm not the wrong species at the wrong time... Hoo boy, is it precarious! Seems like everyone wants a piece of this, heh...”

      “Yeah, I wouldn't want to get dicked down by a literal goose- kind of a boner kill.”

"Try being chased by rambunctious crows and their jealous suitors!"

      "Sounds terrifying."

“It most certainly is.

... So, that's that? We're all situated?”

      “Guess so.”

“Jake” falls into awkward silence. Maybe he's never gotten this far.

      “Actually, one question.”

“Shoot!”

      “Why me?”

“Because you have a choice taste in bread and have so kindly offered me your home and assets.

… Because you are pure of heart! I look into your eyes and see the compassion you have shown the world all your life.

… Because I'm horny, and you’re the only person who's dared to venture out here in a long while. You’re also quite the looker.

Have I seduced you with my siren song yet?”

      “Yeah... No one will believe this.”

“You are not to speak a word of my existence! I'm tired of fleeing cryptid hunters.”

      “Alright, alright... Don’t worry, dude. Your secret's safe with me.”

With that, he whips off his clothes. Jake quacks in flustered surprise.

      “Hot.”

“Shut your yapper.”

Dirk leans over to kiss him, muffling another quack. He pulls back, cracking up.

“I can’t help it! If you want the goose, you have to deal with the gooseliness.”

      “It’s chill. I don’t really have a preference, but-”

“I think I can make this go more smoothly. Mind an aphrodisiac?”

      “Fuck yeah, give it to me. As long as I can remember everything.”

“Of course! Sorry, it's a tiny pinch...”

He nips the junction of his neck and shoulder. Dirk keens.

      “Ow. Ow, goose teeth. That- oh, fuck, that's good…”

He smirks triumphantly.

It might be due to his amplified pleasure, but Jake isn't terrible at normal human sex. By the time he has him on his back, legs spread, he’s slick and throbbing.

“Ready?”

He nods, biting his lip as his leathery hand toys with his nips.

He can't see Jake’s junk, but he doesn’t particularly care. All that matters in that moment is the press of the tip into his entrance as his fingers rub sweetly at his clit and g-spot. He doesn’t think he'll last much longer.

He stifles a moan as his narrow, ribbed cock slides into him, then keeps going, carefully stretching the opening of his uterus before twisting in at a slow pace, like a corkscrew. He comes just seconds after it's fully settled, clenching around him. Jake gasps, thankfully not quacking.

He works every last spasm out, then withdraws his hand.

“... Good heavens, you are divine.”

      “Just egg me already,” he mutters embarrassedly.

“You sure you don't need a breather?”

He responds by jerking his hips forward, clenching down again.

      “I have a disappointing lack of eggs. What kind of Easter is this?”

His response is incoherent. Dirk pulls him closer for another kiss, threading his fingers into his hair. He sighs blissfully, thrusting his hips a couple times before Dirk feels the first egg materialize at the base of his cock. It’s small, as are the ones that follow, but he doesn’t think he could have handled them going all the way otherwise. Each one that pops in rolls to the pit of his stomach with a delicious sensation, and he's a whining, panting mess begging for more. Jake stops at around two dozen, at which point Dirk’s pretty spent and satisfied from his consecutive orgasms. He falls into a rhythm, building him up one last time before locking and spilling into him for a good several minutes, filling every gap with a thick, gel-like cum as he cries in pleasure. They collapse in the afterglow, neither willing to detach.

Jake beams at him through half-lidded eyes, and Dirk pulls him down again for a kiss. He palms the swell in his tummy lightly, then rests his hand on it.

      “Feels so good in there… mmn.”

“Trust me, it'll get even better.”

He places a hand atop Jake’s and guides him to rub in circles. They slosh around, clacking together faintly. He makes a content noise, and Jake continues, spreading his wings over them both as they fall asleep.

When Dirk wakes to a snoring bird boy and a belly bulge, he realizes it wasn’t just some weirdass dream. He stretches, feeling the eggs shift inside of him. For whatever reason, they still feel insanely good.

They’re also slightly bigger now, judging by his fullness. Jake seems to sense his regaining of consciousness, stirring and looking up with a sleepy, fond smile that makes his heart melt. No, that's ridiculously corny. But it's too late; Dirk’s already smiling back.

The tender moment is interrupted by a loud growl. He averts his eyes sheepishly.

      “Sorry.”

“You worked up quite an appetite, heheh. Also, I stole your sandwich. You must be starving!”

      “I was thinking of making an omelet.”

His reaction is priceless.

      “Shit, no, I was just fucking with you,” he laughs. Jake huffs, sliding out of him. He whines at the sudden emptiness. The dick is gone, like a retractable measuring tape. At least he still has the rest.

Jake fluffs and fixes his feathers, then retrieves a loaf of bread from the kitchen and offers it with pride.

      “... Thanks.”

“I even washed my hands for you, with soap!”

      “Goddamn. Way to make a man feel special.”

He sits up and Jake settles back in next to him, pulling the nest materials atop them before wrapping his wings around them again.

      “I should shower.”

“Food first. You must sustain your energy!”

Jake tears open the plastic bag instead of taking off the twisty tie like a civilized person. He picks up a slice with his teeth and attempts to feed Dirk.

      “You know, I think I'll pass. I- Mmf…”

He eats it begrudgingly, then swats away future attempts. With great verbal effort, he manages to get Jake to locate the box of cereal atop the fridge. Jake shoves his face into the bag and offers him a mouthful of flakes.

      “No, really, it's fine. You can have it.”

“Is it because they’re too dry? I could fetch a container of water-”

      “Don’t worry, man; I got this. Not sure if you're aware, but humans don't eat mouth-to-mouth.”

He blinks. Dirk proceeds to shove handfuls of flakes into his own mouth, then dozes off, full and warm.

Jake attempts to assist him with showering, and, by the time he's dry and dressed, the swell is even bigger, heaviness throwing off his balance. He’s told that they’re absorbing the liquid and will need more.

      “Nice.”

Jake gives him a massage, finishing with extra attention on his tummy. It feels way too good, especially when he rubs the walls against them.

The next time he wakes, he's fucked passionately into the mattress, ribbed dick still normal-sized and rutting against his g-spot until they near their peaks, during which Jake slips back into the loosened hole and locks again. Dirk comes, triggering Jake’s release. They hold each other close as they catch their breath.

“Good?”

      “So good, Jake…”

It’s been two days, and Dirk’s stomach is distinctively round and tight now.

“How are you doing?” Jake murmurs, pecking his cheek.

      “Getting crowded... I don't know if I can take any more of your nut.”

He wraps his arms and wings around him from behind, then slides his hands under his shirt, caressing his skin. Dirk closes his eyes, leaning against him.

“Don’t fret; they're fully developed now. They won't be “real” eggs until they come out, so should you desire, say, spotted lake eels instead, that can be arranged.”

      “Ew, no. That can't be kosher.”

“But so wiggly! Squirmy wormies~”

He jiggles his belly slightly for emphasis.

      “Wouldn’t you have to, like, fuck me as an eelman?”

“Nah. Unless you wanted-”

      “So, this is really just a kinky exploit with no rules.”

“Bingo!”

      “... You have too much power.”

“I know. What do you fancy?”

      “Shit, man. _We_ have too much power… You seem pretty gung ho about the eels, and I'm sickened but intrigued.”

“Alrighty, how about this: we'll free up some space by getting a few eggs out first.”

He's enthusiastic about this plan, and complies in laying down and drinking the sweet, brightly-glowing concoction Jake whips up. With a jostling rumble, it's absorbed through his stomach walls and settles in his lower abdomen and crotch. They become almost unbearably warm and tingly, and every part of him yearns for the release of the eggs that are now moving on their own accord, muscles squeezing them along.

      “Oh fuck, Jake, Jake-”

He orgasms without external stimulation immediately after the first egg is laid, and he doesn't catch a break because the next one is already working its way down, a concentrated light separating from the cluster like before. After ten, his abdomen is soft again. Jake places a kiss on it, and the glowing stops, as does the sensation.

      “... I kinda wanna do them all. Kinkshame me.”

“Take a breather, and then I'll be more than happy to oblige the former request.”

So, he does. The magic immediately restores him to his former state, the only indication of what his body had been through now lying in front of him. Jake swaddles them with towels, and Dirk uses a hot water bottle to incubate them.

...

“I could divide ‘em amongst the locals’ nests. They owe me favors.”

      “That might be for the best... As much as I want to pet fuzzy goslings, I'd feel better not knowing which ones are the products of our filth. They're too cute and innocent.”

Jake agrees, and he delivers them to his geese charges. He returns as a literal goose just to freak Dirk out, then animorphs right in front of him.

      “Oh, god, why?! Never again. My boner is beyond resuscitation.”

_(beginning of eel part if you want to skip it)_

“Choose your muse!”

      “Fuck it, fine. Jack me up, eelman.”

He convinces him to take a dip in the lake, and they do just that. He comes back out with a sloshy waterbelly.

      “I enjoyed that more than I am willing to admit.”

They shower, and then he swallows a charmed berry Jake gives him. They watch a movie as they wait, Jake laying his head on his middle to listen for activity.

Dirk feels them first. Holy shit, they _are_ wiggly. It almost tickles, and makes staying still incredibly difficult. By the time they're audible, they're swimming around in all directions, bumping into his walls.

      “I’m a living fishbowl. Why does that turn me on.”

By the end of the second movie, they're visible. Dirk lost composure long ago, one hand pressed against them while the other fingers himself. Jake has been invested in the screen, petting absentmindedly and occasionally murmuring praises from atop his tummy pillow. Now, he sits up and watches the movements with fascination, poking around.

      “I… can feel them sliding against each other. Fuck-”

“Sounds electrifying.”

…

Once Dirk’s bordering on overstimulation, Jake gives him a blue-glowing beverage, much larger than the white one. He drinks until his tummy is filled to the brim, and then the reaction starts. He's carried back to the water, where they wiggle out one after another and swim off. 

“They grow up so fast,” he fake-sniffles. They shower yet again, then Dirk convinces him to stay in a form that can wear his clothes. He Googles the species out of curiosity, since he didn’t get a good look at them. They’re green and yellow herbivore noodles with large, single-color eyes and no visible jaws, in stark contrast to their counterparts.

      “... Wait, spotted eels are endangered. You sly fox.”

“It’s not like I can repopulate them myself; the dadblasted invasive carp kept gobbling them up before they could reach adult size. Besides, you’re downright adorable when you come undone…”

      “Which has happened more times than I can count... Threw my dignity away the moment I saw you.”

_(end of eel part)_

“Are you enjoying yourself? Rest assured that that concoction cleansed you from the inside out.”

      “Yeah, and thanks. This is the best fucking vacation imaginable... Do you think we could chill? Maybe go for a hike, since my body's acting like all I did was nut and lie around for the past three days. I have way too much energy. Itchin’ to run a marathon.”

He nods with a grin, bushy fox tail wagging excitedly.

“There are so many adventures to be had here; I hardly know where to start! I've been dying to share them with someone.”

It goes unsaid that they continue to indulge in weird kinks. Dirk’s decision to become a Canadian citizen, change his major to ecology, and secure a field work position near the lake is purely coincidental. When he can afford to buy a house there and turns it into a wildlife rehabilitation center, he’s surprisingly knowledgeable and equipped for almost any situation, as if he's being guided by some secret guru. He becomes an environmental educator on the side and showcases Jake’s various full-forms to teach little shits to appreciate them- they even have a YouTube channel. When they need extra money, they do birthday parties or perform tricks on the street. They adopt way too many animals, and they eventually get rich enough to buy all of the neighboring properties to turn them back into wildlands. Jake takes to gardening with the guardian of flora and binging on Netflix in his spare time. His diet is still primarily bread, but he doesn’t let anyone feed the critters it. More often than not, he can be found divebombing and hissing at dumbasses to chase them off, stealing their unhealthy offerings in the process. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “akgerhardt: dare me i swear i’ll write it
> 
> akgerhardt: it’ll be an homage to frog jake and ostrich + lobster dirks”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Obligatory shitart

I don’t know the first thing about drawing, but he does have normal eyes lol

Some forms are better for snuggles, and others for hitching rides. Featured: fluffy wolf pile, hood-turned squirrel nest, and a classroom presentation (during which Jake just shifts each time one is "switched out" of the carrying box).


End file.
